Question by Help4u: Proofreading/Editing Help?
Hi everyone! I had to write a memo for class and was wondering if you could edit it. See if the commas are placed right, commas where they shouldn’t be, if the grammar is correct, capitalization, sentences etc.
Thanks so much!
Here it is:
The purpose of this memo is to make myself more familiar to you with information about my background, interests, achievements, and goals.
I was born in Boise, Idaho, and have lived here my entire life. I am the son of two loving parents, both of whom own their own CPA firm. My parents have taught me the values of hard work and dedication, and I could not appreciate them more. I am currently a freshman here at Boise State, and graduated from Timberline High School last year. I was mainly involved with band in high school playing the saxophone. I love playing music, because it gives me a feeling of self-accomplishment, and I feel at peace playing the various harmonies and notes.
My interests mainly include traveling. I love adventure, and I love to see new places full of wonder and beauty. The Oregon Coast is my favorite travel destination, as it is almost my second home. My family and I have traveled there since I was little, and the beauty of the coastline is the only place I feel truly free.
I have many achievements that I have obtained, all that I believe anyone can do with a little bit of determination, confidence, and encouragement. I love to learn, and enjoy grasping new ideas and understanding them in my head. Therefore, I was listed as a rotary scholar for the city of Boise my senior year, for my accomplishments in my classes. I was also the drum major of my marching band my senior year, and I learned to lead a band of fifty of my fellow peers. This leadership position helped me get out of my “shell,” and helped me be more charismatic, supporting, and problem-solving. I also served as a snow-flake carrier for the Special Olympics, which opened my eyes to amazing and extraordinary athletes. This position showed me compassion and tolerance, and made me realize how much the world lacked this.
My goals for this term are to do well, learn exciting new things, and work hard. As of right now, I do not have any long term goals. As of right now, I am living in the present and loving every new offer life brings. However, I would like to open possibly my own public relations firm or agency later on.
Thank you for taking the time to read my memo. It is a pleasure to be in your class.
Please ONLY EDIT if you KNOW what you are doing.
Best answer:
Answer by KenK
Consecutive sentences starting with “As of right now”. Might start the last sentence without “However”, and might swap the last two sentences to finish on a more upbeat, personal statement. Same with the line “world lacked this” could be spun more positive, like “world needs this”. “I have many achievements that I have obtained” -> “I have realized many achievements”.
Looks good to me, but I am no grammar expert. Good luck.
What do you think? Answer below!
Here’s your memo with a few corrections and changes. Remember, try to write as naturally as you normally speak to your teacher. Well, of course, don’t use the slang! Don’t use stilted sentences you’d usually never think of writing. Also, use commas between sentences when each has their own subject and leave the comma out if the “I” or one noun is the subject of both.
I forget how to say this, but watch that you use the same type of words in a series after a verb, such as “helped me be more charismatic, supportive, and skilled” instead of “helped me be more charismatic, supporting, and problem-solving.” You can’t say “helped me be more supporting” or “helped me be more problem-solving.” Do you see the problem? Adverbs with adverbs, nouns with nouns, etc.
Okay, here follows your revision (hope this helps):
The purpose of this memo is to make you more familiar with my background, interests, achievements, and goals.
I was born in Boise, Idaho, and have lived here my entire life. I am the son of two loving parents, who own their own CPA firm. My parents have taught me the values of hard work and dedication, and I could not appreciate them more. I am currently a freshman here at Boise State and graduated from Timberline High School last year. I was mainly involved with band in high school, playing the saxophone. I love playing music because it gives me a feeling of accomplishment, and I feel at peace playing the various harmonies and notes.
My interests mainly include traveling. I love adventure, and I love to see new places full of wonder and beauty. The Oregon Coast is my favorite travel destination, as it is almost my second home. My family and I have traveled there often since I was little, and along that coastline is the only place I feel truly free. What beauty!
I have earned many achievements–something I believe anyone can do with a little bit of determination, confidence, and encouragement. I love to learn and enjoy grasping new ideas and understanding them in my head. Therefore, in my senior year I was listed as a rotary scholar for the city of Boise for my class accomplishments. I was also the drum major of my marching band my senior year, and I learned to lead a band of fifty of my peers. This leadership position helped me come out of my “shell” and be more charismatic, supportive, and skilled at problem-solving. I also served as a snow-flake carrier for the Special Olympics, which opened my eyes to amazing and extraordinary athletes. This position showed me compassion and tolerance and made me realize how much the world lacks this.
My goals for this term are to do well, learn exciting new things, and work hard. As of right now, I do not have any long-term goals. As of right now, I am living in the present and loving every new offer life brings. However, I might like to open my own public relations firm or agency later on.
Thank you for taking the time to read my memo. It is a pleasure to be in your class.